THERE IS A PERCEIVED REAL, THEN THERE IS REALITY
In almost every human interaction, but especially in interactions that cause stress, there are two perceptions.
The feelings, emotions, and reactions a person experiences when confronted with conflict, disagreement, or difference of opinion are real.
Rising blood pressure, dilating pupils, and sweaty palms are signs of you body preparing for defense. These things are physical characteristics.
In one form or another, we experience these symptoms in traffic, job performance reviews, and arguments over the “right way” of doing things.
Many of the things that initiate these reactions are perceived and not actually threats to us. The acrostic: F.E.A.R. – False Evidence Appearing Real, is often sighted to describe that part of our body’s reaction to a perceived threat.
So, where is the reality?
Hidden behind the perceived invasion to our being is the reality upon which those perceptions are built. Each of us has within us a desire to be accepted, appreciated, and approved. This is the basic premise that Dale Carnegie used in his book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
When one or more of these basic needs are challenged we react, most likely without knowing why.
There are things that you do that are important to you, even though they are completely different from the things others do. Why do you do those things? What benefit do they bring you?
The reality comes closer as you answer these questions. In other words, the answers start giving you insight to your core need.
Reality is the precise action you take to fulfill your core need. I use “core” because it is your individualized need, having that placed in jeopardy is the reality of your being.
However, the sad truth is that we often do not know our own reality. The perceived becomes dominant. The importance in the difference between the perceived and reality is that when the former is influencing us without knowing the later, it leads us on a destructive path.
Think of the last argument you had with your parent, friend, or spouse. I could accurately say that the argument most likely had an underlying reason for occurring. That is, either you or the other person was being threatened. Not physically, emotionally, or spiritually rather there were threats of having the core need taken from either of you. This is what causes fear. Anything obstructing, challenging, or demeaning your core need will trigger your system’s respond. The madness of traffic, office conflicts, or any number of triggers that start you reacting. The reason is that there is a fear of your core need being threatened.
Let’s say you need acceptance, as your core need. Any discussion that infers that you are being excluded will produce a fear of not being accepted. You are hurt because you perceive an action to exclude you. The core fear now drives you, but the other person does not know this and won’t know it because you may not even know that core need in yourself. The argument gets out of control because of hurt feeling and by being gripped with that undefined fear.
This process is defined by, Dr. Gary Smalley, in his book “The DNA of Relationships, as the “Fear Dance.”
Rather than dealing with the reality of your person, you are dealing with the symptoms and defending the perceived threats fabricated by your interpretation of the situation.
The danger in protecting your interpretation is that your actions are reactive and most likely anti-productive. This causes the other party to take on a defensive mode and protect themselves. Thus, the Fear Dance; it is destructive.
Relationships spin out of control because the disagreements never deal with the core need and the fear created when threatened.
“It takes two to Tango.” When one gets defensive, it is only a matter of time that buttons get pushed to escalate the disagreement or argument.
Next time you are in an argument, ask yourself; “What is the fear driving me?”
An amazing thing occurs as you start to understand that the root of your defense lies in a fear. The fear of having you core need taken away. Internalizing this offers a bit of compassion and empathy for the other person. Once you know that it is fear driving you, you can understand that the resistance from others is also fear driven.
An amazing thing occurs as you start to understand that the root of your defense lies in a fear. The fear of having you core need taken away. Internalizing this offers a bit of compassion and empathy for the other person. Once you know that it is fear driving you, you can understand that the resistance from others is also fear driven.
Discovering your core needs may make you more vulnerable, but it also makes your loved one more understood.
Fighting against strengths is a losing battle. Dealing with one’s vulnerability may be touchy and delicate, but it is much more honest.
Fighting against strengths is a losing battle. Dealing with one’s vulnerability may be touchy and delicate, but it is much more honest.
It is after all the REALITY.
Attila B. Horvath, author of “The Journey, What I wish I knew before I hit 21”
www.attilahorvarth.com